Duke Burger

I went down to the store today to throw down some cash on the Duke Nukem Forever: Balls of Steel edition. Once the preorder was done, I knew I had to celebrate the momentous occasion of Duke Nukem Forever being released, so I began what is to become a two month long revelry in celebration of the the Duke.

The first thing I decided to do to celebrate, as inspired by the forums at http://www.dukenukem.com was to cook the manliest burger I could imagine, a burger worthy of Duke Nukem himself. Now, While the official Duke burgers are ground from only the freshest, softest, puppy meat available, I felt the authorities might frown on doing so, So I improvised. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the Duke Burger:

Duke Burger Recipe
Makes Two Burgers

1 lb Ground beef
1/4 pint Stout Beer (Guinness)
1/8 Pint Tonic Water
1 Shitload of Cumin
1/4 cup hot sauce (or more, to suit)
1/8 cup Cayenne Pepper, Garlic Salt mix - "Adam Spice"
1/4 cup Diced Onion
1/4 cup Diced Green Pepper
16 Slices of Bacon
8 Slices of Cheddar/Mozzarella Mixed Cheese
2 Sizable Kaiser Rolls
2 (or three) eggs
Bread Crumbs

Note that the pictures reflect that I used twice as much as the ingredients state (Four Burgers worth.) You can always double up if you're feeling extra hungry.

First, mix the ground beef, stout beer, tonic water, hot sauce, Adam Spice, and Cumin into a Glass Baking dish, and let it marinate in the fridge for about half of an hour. If you're not a fan of stout beer, or if your the kind that prefers to go bouncing about in skirts, you can use some other girlie beer, like Budweiser or Zima. If you're not a fan of the spicy ingredients, you can always choose not to use them. Of course, you can always also strap on a tampon and to chat it up with the girls at the salon while getting your hair done, too.

It's always nice to have your meat in a moist place.
While you're waiting for the meat to marinate, Cook the bacon until it's about half done, and dice up 8 strips (half) of it. Once you're done, you can dice up the peppers and onions. If you cry while cutting the onions, this is a sure sign that you're not manly enough for the Duke Burger. If that happens, just go ahead and throw out the marinating meat and watch a Sex in the City Marathon. If you're actually a man, though, you can go ahead and mix the onions and the peppers together.

Cut them like they were Emo.
While you continue waiting, have another beer, to assist in generating a nice flow while you cook.

Right before the meat is done marinating, warm the oven up to three hundred fifty degrees. When the meat is done, throw it in the oven for 10 minutes. Make sure you stir it every two minutes, as your intent is not too cook it, but to cook the rest of the marinade into the meat.

If your meat is burning, it may be time to see a doctor
Once the meat is done absorbing the marination, take it out of the oven, and mix in the eggs and breadcrumbs until you have a nice burger consistency. Once you've done that, split the meat it into quarters.

Evenly mix a quarter of your diced bacon into each quarter of the meat.

Take a five minute break and crack into another beer, you're working too hard. Have a cigar, if one's handy.

Once you've mixed in the bacon, form the meat into two ashtray shapes slightly larger than the kaiser rolls. These will serve as the bottoms of your burgers.

Don't ash in your burgers...unless you want ULTIMATE FLAVOR.
Lay one slice of cheese in the meat, and then add half of the onion/pepper mix into each of the burgers.

Insert "stuffing meat" joke here.
Lay another slice of cheese on top of the onions and peppers. I laid my cheese to form a six pointed star. This is to be the Jewish Star of David, to symbolize Duke's cultural sensitivity.

You want the Cheese? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE CHEESE!
Once the cheese and peppers are in the burger, form the remaining two quarters into lids for the bottoms, and mold them onto the burgers. Then, start warming up your favorite seasoned cast iron pan to right about medium high. If you don't have a seasoned cast iron pan, you can always abandon the project and go down to McDonalds and order yourself a "McPanties."

RAW MEAT
Once the Pan's warmed up, throw a Burger in, cover the pan, and let it sit for five minutes. After five minutes, flip the burger over and cook the other side for five minutes, to develop a slight "flavor burn" on either side. If there's no clock handy, you can always bang one of your nearby coed twins, flip the burger, and then go bang the other.

Ooh, Burn!
By this point, your beer's empty. Crack open another.

Once you've singed both sides of the burger, Flip the burger over and throw four strips of bacon into the pan (or all 8 if you have a cast Iron Pan big enough to cook both burgers at once.) Proceed to cook each side of the burger twice more, flipping two minutes, removing the bacon when it is done. Once this once you have finished, lay a slice of cheese on top of the burger, then the cooked bacon, and then another slice of cheese, and cover for a minute, until the cheese has melted.

HOLY SHIT.
Place the burger on the roll and garnish as desired.

It's time to kick ass and chew Duke Burgers. If you can't finish the Duke burger, don't worry. In the extra time you have from not eating the rest, you can always hop on the Internet and look up local yoga classes that have a space big enough to accommodate your unnaturally large vagina.

Damn, I'm cookin' good.