A letter of Suggestion to Subway Restaurants:

Dear Subway Restaurants,

My name is Raymond Adkins, and I have been eating at Subway restaurants for many years. I love your sandwiches, and the pleasantness of employees is worlds above that of other fast food chains. Overall, I am very pleased with your business. I am writing this letter because even though I love your business, there are a few small things I think that you might be able to improve on. I do apologize in advance, as I do not mean to tell you how to run your business, I am just making friendly suggestions.

My biggest concern is the amount of cheese that you put on your sandwiches. Pardon me for a hair of blasphemy here, but Jesus H. fucking God damned almighty in mother fucking heaven H. mother fucking Christ. The few tiny triangles of cheese you put on should not be advertised as “with cheese,” it should be advertised as “with implications of cheese.” Lactose intolerant people put more cheese on their sandwiches than you do. Have you never made a fucking sandwich for yourself? How much cheese do you put on there? If cheese were to outlawed tomorrow, your sandwiches would still be legal.

I know it is not an issue of cost, seeing as how you always manage to put about 12 fucking dollars worth of lettuce on every damned sandwich. I am serious here. I do not want to go though Subway soul crushing sandwich assembly line school, but I would love to learn that voodoo black magic shit that lets you cram a cubic foot of lettuce onto a six inch sub. The only drawback is once you have put that much lettuce on there, there is only enough space for about three tiny pieces of onion. Not that you will be pressed for space, as you will only put two, most likely to leave room for the pieces of broken soul that flake off of the person making the sandwich.

Also, if there any way you could speed up your employees? They all seem to move as slow as narcoleptic molasses. I realize that since cattle prodding employees became illegal, it is a tad hard to motivate employees who are making $SHIT.50 an hour. Not to be pushy, but if you cannot get the clueless bitch making my sandwich to move faster, could you at least have her wait until when they are not in the middle of fucking up my order to stop and load bread into the God damned oven? They all move so slow, it takes more time than my half hour lunch break to get a fucking cheeseless lettuce sandwich. That is why people lose weight by going to subway, there is no time to eat it.

Speaking of which, I think it's time to put the Jared advertising scheme to rest. I don't think eating your pasteurized, processed, soulless, cheeseless lettuce subs is any kind of healthy diet. As big as his fat ass was, I'm sure it was less of an “I ate subway” diet and more of a “I stopped eating at the ham hock buffet 17 times a week” diet that helped him lose the weight. Though I do admit that it can certainly help one's diet by going to subway, because every time I see a picture of that ugly bastard Jared, I lose my appetite.

In closing, thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I realize that you probably receive enough mail that it can be hard to keep up with it all, so I appreciate your hearing out my concerns. I hope you found my insight to be thought provoking or otherwise beneficial. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Raymond Adkins